Grateful

I’m been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am.  I was really emotionally invested in the story of little Layla Grace who lost her battle with pediatric cancer last week.  I just can not imagine losing a child.  I can not imagine not watching my beautiful baby girl grow up.  I try to wrap my head around the idea and it just makes me want to sit in the corner of my closet and cry.  I’ve started exercising, so now these thoughts make me want to go outside for a really, really long walk.  That helps.  I guess I feel guilty too.  I feel guilty that I’m sad when I have nothing to be sad about.

I was watching Giuliana & Bill last night on the Style Network.  I really like their chemistry.  Giuliana is the host of E! News with Ryan Seacrest and she’s fun and cute.  Bill Rancic was the first winner of Donald Trump’s Apprentice and he’s now a traveling public speaker.  They are a great match. 

Last night’s episode featured Giuliana & Bill’s struggle with infertility.  They desperately want to start a family and are having troubles conceiving. They have turned to IUI treatments which have been unsuccessful.  They are now considering the pros and cons of IVF.  It’s been an emotional ride for them and I was surprised how honest and open they are about it all on their show.

It’s hard for me to watch because, again, I can’t IMAGINE what it would be like to want a baby so badly and you just can’t have one.  I can’t imagine the pain they must feel to constantly have negative pregnancy tests.  I feel a little guilty for having been so upset that it took four months to conceive Bean.  I think every couple that starts the pregnancy journey fantasizes about the plus symbol and how they will tell their partner the big news.  You never start the journey wondering how long it will take or if you might have some challenges or if you might not be able to get pregnant at all.

I just feel really grateful. 

I wonder sometimes how I got so lucky.  And I hope I can remember that every single day. Even if it sometimes takes a broken hearted mother’s Twitter account or a celebrity reality show to remind me.

Layla Grace

Beautiful Layla Grace from Houston, Texas lost her courageous battle with pediatric cancer this morning.  She was 2 years old.  I have been following this little angel’s story on twitter (http://twitter.com/LaylaGrace).  Earlier this afternoon her parents wrote:

“Layla went to play with the angels early this morning. Rest in peace precious Layla. 11/26/2007 – 3/9/2010.”

It’s been heartbreaking to follow Layla Grace on Twitter.  I remember when I first saw a celebrity tweet to ”please pray for Layla Grace.”  It was one of a bunch of tweets on my home page that day.  But, for some reason, I clicked over to Layla’s page.  I began to read all the updates from her Mom and Dad.  I read about her story on their website, www.laylagrace.org.  I became so attached to Layla and her family because of their amazing honesty, raw emotion, strength, and spirit.  They let us into their lives.  I saw my daughter in their daughter.  Her big blue eyes.  Her love of pink and the book “Pinkalicious.”  Her love of tutus and flowers.  Her love of Hello Kitty.  Her beautiful smile.  Layla was only 3 months older than my daughter.  

I continued to read their twitter updates, website blog entries, and look at the many photo albums of Layla Grace and her two older sisters.  Every entry would break my heart, but it also inspired me.  Layla inspired me.  She STILL inspires me.  In the simplest of terms she just inspires me to be a better Mom. She reminds me to not let one day go by without telling my kids that I love them.  She inspires me to appreciate each and every moment with my family.  She inspires me to DO something.   I want to help, because right now I just feel helpless.  I want to help raise awareness for this horrible disease.  I want to get involved with my local children’s cancer charity.  I want Layla’s family to know that their daughter made me want to make a difference.

Layla Grace died from Neuroblastoma.  During a radio interview her mother said it is the most common pediatric cancer.  Yet most people still say to her, “What is that?  I’ve never heard of it before.”  I had not heard of it either.  There are about 650 new cases of Neuroblastoma each year in the United States and 50% of those occur in children under the age of two.  And now, because of Layla and her family’s outreach on the Internet, Neuroblastoma has touched my life.  And thousands of others lives too.  She has over 40,000 followers on Twitter alone.

No, I have never met Layla.  No, I have never met her family or her friends.  But I feel deeply connected to her spirit.

Is it comforting to know that she is now, as her Mommy and Daddy wrote this afternoon, playing with the angels. 

You completed your job here on earth, little Layla.  Rest in peace.

Somer Thompson

Everyone here is talking about the horrific death of 7-year-old Somer Thompson.  She was walking home from school Monday afteroon when she vanished.  She was with her twin brother and her older sister.  Today, her body was found in a landfill.

Everyone here is talking about it because it happened HERE.  It happened 20 minutes away from where I live.

What do I do with this information?

Do I become an overprotective parent?  I mean, I already AM an overprotective parent.  I’m a helicopter. I hover.  I am constantly holding my kids’ hands and they know there is a “time out” in their future if they run away from me for a second when we are out in public. 

I guess I never really thought about someone taking them away from me.  Until now.

After Somer’s disappearance, my husband and I started researching GPS tracking devices for children.  There are a bunch on the market.  Most are expensive, but all of them do the job.  They let you monitor your kid’s EVERY MOVE.  Everywhere they go.  Has it come to this?

A woman called into my husband’s radio show this morning with an awesome point.  She said that you can’t sit and think about someone snatching your kid or something bad happening  to them ALL THE TIME.  That would drive us all crazy and create an awful environment of fear for our children.

While the local news was updating us about Somer’s body possibly being found in a landfill, I was on two scheduled preschool tours for Bean.  It was just weird timing.  I’m about to send my little boy out into the world without me.  I really like the school that has locked and coded entrances.

Then, last night I watched Oprah on TIVO and the show was about the happiest people on earth and where they live.  Oprah interviewed families in Copenhagen, Denmark.  One Copenhagen couple felt so happy and safe, they actually left their babies to nap unattended in their backyard. They said crimes, and especially sexual crimes and kidnapping, were basically nonexistent.   Should I move to Copenhagen?

No. I love my country and I would never want to live anywhere else.  But today, I did look over my shoulder a little more when I was out with my kids.  I did give them lots of extra kissies. I maybe hugged them a little longer. 

And I also said prayers for our new angel Somer and for her Mama who’s arms will always ache for the daughter she has just lost.

9/11

9/11/2001

I woke up, got ready for the day, and then drove to the Safeway grocery store around the corner from our condo to get an iced grande mocha.  They had a Starbucks kiosk inside the front entrance of the store.  I loved that.  I went there every morning to get my coffee and a newspaper.  I was still job hunting.  I moved to Maryland three months prior with my husband-to-be.  We were getting married in Charleston, SC in four days so I really had the job hunting thing on hold.  This morning I just wanted my mocha so I could hurry back to the condo and finish some last minute wedding phone calls.  I had to confirm my salon appointment.  I had to confirm our wedding day girls’ luncheon. I had to go over every single detail and checklist one more time.

When I was driving home with my mocha, I was listening to my husband on the radio.  He was the morning radio host for the local Top 40 radio station.  His morning show was always fun and upbeat but, all of a sudden, he started to sound really serious.  He said a plane had hit the World Trade Center.  Because my mind was in a million directions, I heard him say it, but it really didn’t register.  Then I heard him say, “I know we shouldn’t say this, but if you are near a television set please TURN IT ON.”  That registered.

I ran up the stairs to my living room and turned on The Today Show on NBC and sat and watched.  Then I turned on CNN. I watched it all unfold while I sat there alone with my white wedding binder sitting on the coffee table.  The second plane hit.  Then, a plane hit the Pentagon?  That was down the street from me.  Then, one in Pennsylvania?  What is going on? I just sat there in front of the television set. I didn’t move.  I couldn’t move.  I spoke to my husband on the phone a couple times.  He had decided to stay on the radio for the rest of the day so he could update his audience.  I also think that he wanted to help in some way.  I know I just felt helpless sitting there and watching it all on TV.

I called my parents and my sister and my brother.  Everyone was just in disbelief.

Then the towers fell.  I was on the phone with my Mom.  I will never forget it.

I still had to make my wedding phone calls.  I called the salon first.  I felt so weird confirming a hair and makeup appointment.  There was no answer.  Then I called the restaurant to confirm my girls’ lunch.  The man who answered the phone confirmed it and then we talked about how we could not believe what was happening.  We literally bonded over the phone.  We were two Americans worried about our country and that was the first moment I think I felt some anger.

I was angry because innocent people were dead.  I was angry because the joy I had inside me for my wedding day was gone.  The joy turned into confusion.  And the confusion turned into a million questions: Can this wedding still happen in four days?  Can we even fly there?  Do we drive now?  Would all guests still be able to come?  Do they even want to come now? Should we just stay home and cancel the whole thing?  What should we do??

Then, the anger turned into sadness.  I went to my parent’s house because I did not want to be alone.  Every news channel had a different story.  There was a preschool in one of the towers.  There were people that had jumped. There were family members with photos already searching for their loved ones.  It was heartbreaking and overwhelming.  I went home to be with my fiance.

I remember lying in bed that night and my head was spinning.  I remember hearing airplanes fly overhead all night long. We lived really close to downtown DC…to the White House. 

And THAT was the first time the anger and sadness turned into fear. 

Oh my god, I thought, we are at war.

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