It’s been three years since the Newtown tragedy and I still think about it every December. It feels like something from a movie, like something that would never happen in real life. But it did happen. And it’s still happening.

When my husband told me about the horrifying events unfolding in California last week, that there was another mass shooting, ANOTHER mass shooting, I said nothing. I felt nothing. For a moment, I felt nothing.

It took me about an hour to walk to my computer and finally see all of my social media feeds talking about San Bernardino. There were people killed. People who woke up that morning and were just going to work. They were going to their office just like they did the day before. But now they were gone.

I’m numb to it, really. After Newtown. After the Washington Navy Yard, where my brother-in-law works. After the movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. After Umpqua Community College in Oregon. After Charleston, the city where I was married. And after Alison and Adam were gunned down during a live broadcast in Virginia. After San Bernardino.

I get scared. My husband works in the media. I’m typing this while my children are in school where I pray they are safe. It’s too much to process and worry about and the fear can sometimes paralyze me.

And then there’s the constant talk about blame. Who, or what, do we blame for the US being the leading country in mass shootings? Do we blame the President? The guns? The NRA? The liberals? The conservatives? The media? Our mental health system? Isis?

I want the killings to stop. Enough is enough. But I feel like we go around in circles on blame and nothing changes. Then I wonder: what can I do? How can I help when I always feel helpless?

Then I remembered this picture of my child from church last week. He brought up the gifts during school mass. I was so happy and content. I was at church. I was with God. I was with my children. I was with amazing teachers and friends. And that’s the answer.

Over ten years ago I was watching Oprah interview one of the widows from 9/11. I was crying while she talked in detail about her husband’s final moments but then she said something I’ll never forget. She said that she was happy because they lived a great life with no regrets. She said they went on every trip and every adventure. They traveled and did everything they wanted to do. They never took one day for granted. They lived life to the fullest and that brought her enormous peace.

My two kids will read this blog one day and here’s what I want them to learn from all of this. This is what I know for sure:

People are good. Life is good. God is good. We can’t live in fear of what will happen. We have to focus on the every day amazing moments and the small miracles of life. So we go on that last minute trip to Disney World. We take a plane to see Taylor in concert and our family every Easter. We buy gifts for the families on the Angel Tree. We start a charity and get fueled by all the children who are brave and inspiring. We get the expensive hot stone pedicure. We play football in the living room. We dance in the kitchen. We stay up past bedtime to watch the end of the movie. We tip more than 20%. We hug friends goodbye. We say thank you to every person in uniform. We get the 350 calorie Starbucks peppermint mocha with extra whip. We live each day with gratitude and kindness and more gratitude. We go to church every week and we pray.

And we love each other with all our hearts. Because love always wins. Love always wins. <3

This summer went so fast. When I walked the kids into school today it was like we had never left. The hallways, the smiling teachers, the wall signs, the stairwells, all too familiar. (Well, except for the parking lot construction. We are getting a brand new building on campus and it’s really exciting.) It gives me peace to know my kids are back in a school they truly love, but I always get that tinge of sadness knowing the lazy days of summer are over and my two buddies will leave me for most of the day now. I don’t even want to talk about the fact that I have a second and third grader. Sigh.

My hubby turned the big “4-0” this past October and I wanted to mark the milestone in a big way. He’s a morning radio host here in Jax and I thought it was about time we gave back to our community. Jacksonville is our adopted home. We’ve been here for 8 years (which is still hard to believe!) and we finally feel completely settled. He loves his job. We love our neighborhood and school. We live 15 minutes from the beach and 2 hours from Disney World. What more could we want?

We know we are very lucky and have a super blessed life. So for my husband’s 40th, we decided to create a family charity called Kaye’s Kids. Kaye’s Kids gifts Apple computer computer products (iPads, iPhones, iPods) to children with life-threatening illnesses.

Many of these children are going through tough treatments and long hospital stays. Some are home and want to stay connected with friends and family. So instead of birthday presents, my husband asked our family and friends for a donation to Kaye’s Kids. Because of all their generous love and support, we launched our first program, ‘The 12 iPads of Christmas,” in December. We gave 12 brave children an iPad mini. It was amazing to meet all the kids and their families. Here are some of the smiles from that amazing day.

That’s my husband Mark in the Santa hat and his gorgeous co-host, Meghan. All the kids had a blast playing with their new iPads, enjoying sweet treats, and touring the radio station.

If you’re interested in starting a charity in your city, I recommend you find an established charity and partner with them first as one of their special programs. Our awesome partner is Dreams Come True of Jacksonville. They help us manage all the Kaye’s Kids funds and select the children to receive the Apple products. They assist us in promoting our fundraising efforts and they give us lots of moral support. Please help us spread the word about Kaye’s Kids by liking our official Facebook page or visiting kayeskids.org. Thank you so much.