Other People’s Kids (And Clifford the Big Red Diva)

When I was married and the thought of kids was still in the distant future, I would gaze quizzically at families when we were out at the shopping mall, grocery store or having dinner at a restaurant.  Sometimes I would think, “Aw, that family is really cute.”  But most times I would think,  ”Why can’t those parents stop their kid from screaming or acting crazy or crying or WHINING??”  I didn’t walk in parent shoes back then, so I would be so annoyed and often (stupidly) think “Man, I would NEVER let MY kid act like THAT in public.”

Well, then I had kids and two things happened.  First, my Mommy sympathy gene appeared and I am no longer annoyed if other people’s kids are screaming or acting up.  I actually feel bad for them because being a parent is hard.

But another thing happened.  I realized that there are still some things that you CAN control. You can discipline your child and teach them manners. It’s a lot of work and stress, but you can do it.   But some parents just DON’T.

I’ve already mentioned my non-judging rule.  It’s hard to do, but I try REALLY, REALLY hard not to judge other moms.   I don’t know their circumstances and they don’t know mine, so it’s best to leave it at that.

This wasn’t a problem when both of my children were babies.  But now I have a toddler boy who is months away from turning three.  He is at an age where he likes to interact and play with other kids.  Most of the time it is in a completely organized and controlled environment like a Gymboree class.  But there are times when we are out and I have to deal with other people’s kids, whether I like it or not.

One example is the train table at our local Barnes & Noble bookstore.  Bean really enjoys playing with the trains there and I have taught him to share with the other little boys or girls who also come over to play.  He gets a lot of  sharing practice at home with his little sister.  It was hard at first, but now he is definitely understanding that he can’t yank something out of someone’s hand or bop them on the head.

But what am I supposed to do when some other kid behaves badly?  On Friday morning, we were at the bookstore to meet Clifford the Big Red Dog** and Bean went to the train table.  A couple of little boys had grabbed up all the trains and were playing in one corner of the table by themselves.  Bean went over and tried to grab a train.  I told him to wait and please ask the boy for “one train PLEASE.”  Well, Bean asked and reached out for the train at the same time.  Those two little boys stopped and yelled “NO” in unison.  They shoved by Bean and kept playing.  The worst part?  Their moms said nothing.  Bean didn’t get upset.  He just looked at me and I said, “Let’s just go.”  He was fine with that because we went to get a chocolate milk. (Hey, I never said “bribe” wasn’t part of learning.)

On Saturday morning, we all went to the mall where we stopped to play in that germ-filled center court playzone.  My husband watched Bean while I played with Annabel.  There were a bunch of older kids running around as well.  Bean went to climb into the passenger seat of a play car.  A little girl was already in the driver’s seat.  When Bean hiked his leg over to get in, she said “NO!” and wouldn’t let him play.  Later, he went back to climb onto the car and some little boys actually SHOVED him off and said “NO!”  My husband stopped, and yelled at the boys, “Hey! No pushing! Do not push people.” It’s awful to have to discipline other people’s kids, but it’s even worse when their parents sit and watch you do it and do NOTHING.

This happens more than I like.  I don’t want my son to be pushed around and not stand up for himself, but I desperately want him to respect others and have manners.  It’s an interesting learning process with a boy versus a girl.  I feel like we should be teaching Daniel to defend himself a little more because he is a boy.  It’s not right, but I can’t help but to think that way.  It also makes me realize that we won’t always be there to protect him.  That’s really hard.

**So, Clifford the Big Red Dog was a Big Red Diva!  We had been counting down the days to his Big appearance at the book store.  We arrived and were told to sit and wait.  Thirty minutes later, he was finally escorted out from the back by a handler and walked up to a mini stage.  We were allowed to take photos of him for five minutes. 

Photos OF him. Not photos WITH him. 

They said ”No, Sorry” to personal photos because there was no time.  It was hilarious.  Who knew Clifford was such an A-Lister? Plus, I can download a photo of Clifford the Big Red Dog in two seconds from any website.  I don’t need a photo of him.  I want my kids to meet him so I can get a photo of that.  After five minutes, the handler told us to clear a path and stay to the side because Clifford was leaving.  Well, as Clifford walked by us, Bean ran up and gave him a high five!  And I got a photo!

I was so proud of my little boy. He didn’t follow the rules. Sometimes, there are exceptions

Thank You For Asking

Annabel and I had our weekly Target shopping trip today.  We do this every Thursday afternoon.  It’s our mother-daughter bonding time.  (I would LOVE to replace the “running of the errands” bonding with the “pampering at the spa” bonding, but considering she is only 16 MONTHS OLD, that will have to wait just a little bit.)

I had my long shopping list, of course.

ASIDE:  Why is it that some people are generally SURPRISED to see a person with a  shopping list?  I can’t tell you the number of times someone has commented while I’m staring at my piece of paper crossing off items with a pen, “You have a LIST?  That is SO smart!”  I should also add, “Why do people like to talk to me while I’m shopping?” but that brings me to my story.

Annabel was riding in the cart, slamming handfuls of Cheerios in her mouth, while I pushed her up and down all the aisles picking up our weekly supplies (TWO packs of diapers, TWO packs of wipes, new straw cups, etc.) Suddenly a woman, squatting in front of the diaper pails, stopped us.

“Hi. Sorry. Do you have one of these diaper container things?” she asked, “Which one do you like best??”

(Oh, Hi!  Thank you so much for asking lady because you just touched upon my FAVORITE subject: Giving Free Baby Advice!  Do you also want to know which brand of diaper rash ointment I recommend because it’s on the shelf right over here?  Or which bottle is best? Or formula brand?)

It’s so funny because I HATE to talk to strangers, generally.  But when it comes to talking about babies and offering baby advice, I’m all in.  It’s like I just met another member of the “secret mommy club” and excuse me but I need to tell you all the secret codes and hidden treasures like THIS BRAND of diaper rash ointment. It REALLY WORKS.

We chatted a little and she said she was expecting her first baby and she was checking out the diaper pails.  I told her that I like the Diaper Genie because you can twist it and it helps keep the smells at bay.  I told her it was easy to use and you don’t have to empty it every hour which is nice.  I then showed her the refills to buy.  She thanked me and went on her way.

It was fun!  I felt accomplished!  But then ten minutes later I thought about my advice and wondered, “Did I tell her the right thing?  I mean the Diaper Genie is cool and all, but it IS kind of annoying to cut that plastic sometimes. And it doesn’t mask ALL the smells.”  I just really, honestly, wanted to make sure I helped her out.

It’s one of the unexpected fun things about no longer having an infant in the house.  I can now dispense all my advice to Moms-to-be!   I can talk for hours about sleep and what to feed a toddler.   I can go on and on and on about my favorite swaddling blanket and cradle swing.  It is a really hard subject to shut up about it.  I think it comes from a certain pride I feel, deep inside, now that I have survived the infant phase (twice!)

I have lived to tell (EVERYONE) about it.

Obsession with Sleep

The biggest piece of unsolicited advice I received when I was pregnant with my first child was “SLEEP!”  Moms would always tell me to “Sleep NOW because you won’t sleep again for a LONG time!”  I heard a lot of  “sleep when the baby sleeps” advice too.  I just logged it in the back of my mind with all the other pieces of advice like “take a breastfeeding class” and “buy a wipe warmer.” (Which I never used, BTW.)

I also read all those pregnancy BIBLES (What To Expect…,  The Girlfriends Guide…) and they just had chapter after chapter of overwhelming information.  There was the chapter about the MANY delivery options. The one about the scary things that can happen to the baby.  The one about the scary things that can happen to your BOOBS.  So maybe I just skimmed the chapter on sleep.

I just summed up the sleep part to this: babies like to sleep.  They sleep a lot.  They will eat, poop, and sleep.  That’s what will happen.  Okay, got it.

Bean was a good sleeper during those first three nights in the hospital.  I later read that this is called a big TEASE.  Babies just sleep ALOT when they are first born.  It’s great!  So when we all came home from the hospital, I was ready for my new baby routine.  I thrive on schedules so I was ready for my eat, poop, sleep cycle.  Well, it worked for a little while and then…it didn’t.

I became OBSESSED with sleep.  I could not understand why (after a feeding, a bath, a swaddle, a book and a song) Daniel could not just close his eyes and fall asleep.  He would fight it. I decided to rock him a little longer in my arms so he would get a little more tired.  That didn’t work.  Each day I started messing with the schedule so I could figure out what worked best.  I would panic when Bean would fall asleep in the car seat or the swing.  My husband would tell me to “just let him sleep!”  But I didn’t want him to rock in dreamland for two hours in a car seat or swing because that would equal two hours that he would not sleep at night!  (Well, that’s what I THOUGHT).

I called my sister, who already had two kids, and she recommended this book.  I didn’t really vibe with the sleep parts, so I started researching other sleep books.  That was when my exhausted, new mommy eyes were opened wide for the first time.  There are a bazillion book just on baby sleep!  I thought I was so cool and organized with my five books and my baby planner, but NO.  I surely missed the boat on this world of baby sleep.  I read all the reviews and decided on Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. 

It honestly changed my life. I read the book cover to cover and started to put some of the sleep habits into play.  They worked.  I learned that babies need to go to bed ALOT earlier than you think.  I learned to put Bean down for naps when I saw the very first signs of tiredness.  I learned that “sleep begets sleep” and that a baby who is overtired will sleep LESS.  I learned that your child just can’t sleep too much.  I learned about the sleep cycles and that babies have to teach themselves to sleep.  (Thus the famous “Cry It Out” method all new moms speak about.  It was like torture for me for three nights, but then it was done and my kids SLEPT). It was also a perfect book to reference during each stage of my child’s life.  Weissbluth writes clearly and really made me understand the importance of sleep to a child’s development and temperament.  It made sense to me.  It worked for me.  

I love this book so much that I now give unsolicited advice to new moms-to-be.  “Buy Weissbluth. He rocks!”  They might roll their eyes, but it’s like I uncovered this cool new mom mystery and I just have to share it. 

I still reference the book today.  I wonder when Bean will give up his nap.  (There is a chapter about that.) We are buying him a “big boy bed” this week and I worry that it will mess up his sleep.  (There is a chapter about that.) Every time I hear Annabel coo over the monitor at night, I still wake up and wait until it’s quiet again.  But I don’t go in. (There’s a chapter about that.)

My obsession with sleep continues as my children keep growing, but for now….I have to go to bed.  Good night.

Bye Bye Baby?

Now that Annabel is almost 16 months old (!), I am hit with the reality that I no longer have a “baby” in the house.  Yes, she will always be MY baby, as will Daniel, but she’s now a full fledged half-walking (half-falling) toddler. Annabel completed our little family tree so there are NO MORE baby branches in our future.  I have my two amazing kiddies and I feel lucky and blessed everyday.  I feel complete. But I still think about all those LAST baby things.

There was the LAST box of cute newborn diapers.  The LAST time I would ever wear a maternity top or nursing tank.  The LAST baby bottle.  The LAST can of formula. The LAST sippie cup.  The LAST time we would have a Baby Einstein play mat or baby swing in the house.  The LAST time we would have a backwards facing car seat. 

But there are a few “baby” things I still can’t let go of and it’s not because I’m super sentimental.  It’s just that they still WORK for me.  For example, my daughter still sleeps in the SLEEP SACK. When she was a newborn, I would swaddle her in this amazing swaddle blanket.  Then she got so big so fast and outgrew the swaddling process. So I put her in the sleep sack and she loved it. She’s now in the “extra large” version and I’m sure she will outgrow that in a couple months.  My husband thinks I should get rid of it now, but she sleeps great in it. She sleeps for 2 hours at nap time and for 12 hours at night, so I’m basically not going to mess with it.

And then there’s this:

It’s “BABY” OATMEAL.  Daniel loves oatmeal and ate this everyday with bananas for breakfast when he was a baby.  Then he ate it when he was toddler and now he is almost three and STILL eats it. I just add milk and microwave for 30 seconds. I add bananas and lots of berries and it’s a perfect breakfast. The “baby” oatmeal is basically the same as any other instant oatmeal except it’s finely ground for babies.  I tried to give him the standard packets of instant oatmeal a couple of times and he did not want it. I am usually pretty strict when it comes to food options. I keep trying new things and my kids are AWESOME eaters because of it. They eat fish, chicken, beef, pasta, fruits, veggies, eggs, potatoes, all the basic adult foods.  But this was one battle I just didn’t want to fight.  Plus, when Annabel was born she started eating “baby” oatmeal too.  It just became easier for me to let them both eat the same oatmeal.  And they still eat it now.

Finally, there is Daniel’s CRIB.  Again, it’s not that I want him to sleep in a crib so I can remember the baby years.  He truly LOVES that crib and sleeps GREAT in it.  He was only 17 ½ months when Annabel was born so we had to have two cribs at the same time.  Since then, I’ve just been waiting for the day when Daniel would scale the bars and come running out.  He did that once, but never again.  So I decided to (again) go with what worked and not rock the boat (or bed) so to speak.  But he’s almost three and it needs to go.  We have been researching toddler beds and twin beds and need to make a decision soon. 

I think, as a parent, we all have that “crutch” or something you don’t want to give up JUST yet, even though parenting books, or parent peers, think you should.  I think it all boils down to the basic fact that every kid is different and every parent is different.  Do what works for you.

Speaking of growing up WAY too fast, my adorable niece and goddaughter Madelyn turns five today.  Happy 5^th Birthday Maddie!  You are a “sprite” - the perfect mix of spirit and light.  You have an infectious smile.  You constantly “wow” us with your smarts.  You are so fun to be around.  I miss you!

Sunday night

It’s Sunday night. I still get that weird Sunday night ”feeling.”  It’s the same Sunday night feeling from high school when I realized the fun weekend was over. My parents would tell me to get off the phone and I would be sitting in my bedroom all alone doing homework. It’s the same Sunday night feeling from college when I would be in my dorm room waiting for my roommate to get back from a weekend visiting her boyfriend.  The dining hall was closed so I would be eating Ooodles of Noodles from a Styrofoam cup trying to study.  It’s the same Sunday night feeling from my days working in an office.  I would lay in the bed with my hubbie watching TV or reading a magazine, just wishing we had ONE MORE DAY to hang out.  It’s a mix of anxiety, sadness, and anticipation of the week ahead.  I always thought it was a school thing.  Then I thought it was a work thing.  But it’s a stay-at-home mom thing too.  It’s the feeling that I’m not prepared for another busy week of scheduled activities and unknown toddler occurrences.  It’s that weird “calm before the storm” feeling.  It’s Sunday night.

Normal

I just hung up the phone with my sister and I can not believe how “normal” she sounds.  She just had a baby three weeks ago!  She also has two other children, ages 5 and 2 ½.  She had to take her middle child, Kate, to a doctor’s appointment and all four of them just got in the SUV and handled it with no problem.  And tomorrow, they are all going to Target so Baby Luke can get his first studio portrait taken.  “Are you sure you are okay?” I asked, “You are going by yourself with all three kids? Are you feeling up to it?”  “YES!” she said, “Everything is great. Everything is back to normal.” 

“Back to normal?” I thought, “Already? She’s a new mom! I know she’s not a mom for the first time, but she’s still a new mom all over again.”

I became a new mom for the first time in August 2006.  Daniel was born and it took me a LONG time to feel “normal.”  Having a baby was literally an out of body experience for me.  Once he was out of my body, I was out of my body too.  I felt like a new person in a really sick and scary way.  But the thing about having a newborn is you don’t have time to really focus on your own crazy feelings.  You are thrown on a treadmill that keeps moving and you can’t stop or you will fall - and maybe not want to get back up.

I remember coming home from the hospital and dealing with the fact that a) I was now a “stay-at-home mom” and b) there is a newborn baby here and “Hello? What do I do now?”

My husband went back to work, my mother-in-law left after a couple of weeks, and then there was me and this BABY.  I was never one of those girls who always loved BABIES.  Sure, I babysat for older kids when I was fifteen and sixteen, but never newborns.  I changed my very first diaper in the hospital the day after Bean was born.  It was 3 AM and he peed on me.  (Not a great start.)

So I just kept walking on the treadmill.   I figured out how to breastfeed.  I changed A LOT more diapers.  I smiled for all the visitors.  I took him to his first doctor’s appointment, his first trip to Starbucks, his first stroller ride around the neighborhood.  I just kept MOVING.

I remember reading Celebrity Baby Blog to find celebrity moms who had delivered babies around the same time I did.  There was Gwen Stefani looking so cute in her track suit and red lipstick pushing her newborn in a bugaboo stroller smiling for the paparazzi.  She looked so “normal!”  So what was wrong with ME?!

I am a total scheduler and list maker so I felt better when I had a routine.  That seemed to work for me.  Bean woke up, he fed, he played on the Baby Einstein fun gym, he pooped, he maybe napped, he fed again, we went for a walk, etc.  I had it all planned out.  I had to keep on moving. And it started to work.  I felt like I was getting back to “normal.”  But what I forgot to do was just stop and ENJOY my son.  I worried about what was next on the baby schedule.  It makes me a little sad now because I spent a really long time just TRYING to feel “normal” again.  So I didn’t just stop and have FUN with him.

Then, when Annabel was born in 2008, I tried really hard to remember those early scary feelings with Daniel.  Of course my hormones and emotions still took over, but I felt “normal” a little sooner.  With my second baby, I was just more mentally and emotionally prepared. I didn’t obsess over EVERY LITTLE THING.  I felt okay leaving Annabel in the swing a little longer.  I didn’t run to her every time she made a small cry from her bassinet.  I didn’t write down every single time she ate and pooped.  (Well, not EVERY single time.) I didn’t feel like I had to entertain her every second with a book or toy. I could exhale and ENJOY her.  It was awesome.

I guess with my sister’s third baby the time to feel “normal” again just came a lot sooner.  And I’m sure it’s different for every mom whether it’s your first or last baby.

Now my son is almost three and my daughter is 15 months old. Everything is back to “normal.”  But it’s a different normal, a new normal. I still get stressed and worried.  I still have schedules. I’m still always moving. But this new normal also includes watching two amazing little people grow.  And I get to be a part of it all.  I’m a lucky girl.