It’s been a weird couple of weeks in terms of my parenting. I’ve been having these two extremes.   I either lose it completely or I become submissive and give in.  I don’t know if it’s because of the kiddies’ ages right now or my tolerance level is just completely depleted or WHAT?

We have a really gorgeous Pottery Barn Kids kitchen set that we received from “Santa” last Christmas.  It’s really cool looking and it goes well with the rest of the living room and kitchen decor.  Maybe that sounds a little snotty, but I feel if I’m going to put a giant “toy” (basically) in my living space, it needs to be something I like.

The kiddies have been going crazy with that play kitchen lately.  Not pretend cooking and serving but THROWING EVERYTHING.  I don’t mind a mess when it’s associated with fun play, but it really bugs me when it’s just picking up a toy pan or plastic pea pod and chucking it across the floor.  Or banging silver pots and pans agains the wood kitchen until one of the handles actually flies off.

I found myself  SCREAMING (ugh, I know) at them to clean it up and then that changed into asking them, or rather PLEADING with them, to tell my WHY?!  WHY would you do this?!   WHY are you just throwing things?!  You have to just turn around and clean it right up and there is nothing fun about that, so WHY?  WHY?!!  And I just kept talking and yelling and then I had to leave the room because, well, I just didn’t know what to do with all that…yuck.

I always took pride in the fact that I was not a screaming parent.  We have discipline books we follow and methods that generally work.  So the fact that I screamed like that really eats away at me.  I apologized to them afterwards, but it feels like it’s too late to take it back.  I once read that when you scream at your child it takes a way a small piece of their childhood.  I don’t know who said that but, yeah, that stings.

Then there are the other times when I shut down or I bargain.  Today at our Christmas card photo shoot, Annabel had a break down.  And all I could do was sit there and offer to buy her a toy or ice cream or ANYTHING if she would just SIT STILL.  For ONE SECOND.  What do you want?!  I’ll buy you ANYTHING you want!  (Did I really say that?)  Well, it didn’t work and then I had no energy left.  My nerves were shot.  I ordered a Christmas card with the one salvageable photo in the bunch.  Actually that one salvageable photo was really great.  But I didn’t see the silver lining.  I just left feeling defeated.

It’s hard being a parent.  It’s really hard.  There is so much to juggle and organize and anticipate that sometimes I don’t feel prepared or emotionally equipped.  There are days I feel like I’m running around in circles and get nothing done besides sending the kids to time out and cleaning up messes.

But there is so much good.  SO much.  So much laughter. So much adventure.  So much fun.  SO much love.   I just hate that some days my frustration overshadows that.    Because I really do have two of the super coolest kids in the whole world.

This parenting thing.  It really is a roller coaster ride.

Daniel has turned into a full on ”Mama’s Boy.”  I love it.  I’m frustrated by it. It’s definitely making me a little…crazy.

I love to oblige all his requests for hugs and pick-me-ups. He’s an awesome snuggler.  He always wants to be by my side and go where I go. I really can’t resist it when he says “I want Maaamaaa” in that little baby voice.  It’s super cute and I love to feel needed, to feel WANTED. He’s the most awesome kid ever.

But all this wonderful, over-the-top Mama Love is starting to morph into something else.  The new form is called the I DON’T EVER WANT TO BE AWAY FROM MAMA…EVER! form. DO YOU HEAR ME??  NEVER EVER!!  MAMA, DON’T LEAVE ME OR I WILL SCREAM LIKE YOU HAVE JUST DROPPED ME OFF ON THE STREET CORNER TO FEND FOR MYSELF.  I WILL CLAW AND GRAB YOU AND WEIGH YOU DOWN UNTIL YOU DIE FROM EMBARRASSMENT OR FROM BEING CRUSHED BY MY LOVE FOR YOU.

I exaggerate.  A little.

I decided to enroll Bean in the Gymboree Sports class for preschoolers.  It’s for 3 to 5 year olds and since he JUST turned 3, he is one of the younger kids enrolled in the class.  I had explained the class to him for weeks, always reminding him that it was a drop-off class and Mama would not stay in the room.  I would be waiting right outside the door and when he was done with the class we would hug and go and get chocolate milk.  I thought this would work.  He seemed fine with it all.  He really did.  He actually seemed EXCITED.

On the first day of class I introduced him to the teacher and he waltzed right in and sat on the mat.  Then the teacher closed the door.  It was fine for about 20 minutes.  Then I heard him crying.  Ugh.  My husband who was with me at the time peeked in the window and saw Bean holding the teacher’s hand and wailing.  Then Bean saw my husband and that was it.  He ran to the door and screamed to get out.  THEN, he saw me.  He climbed up on me and grabbed me so tight.  He refused go back in the classroom. I think he just panicked when he finally realized he was in that room without a parent.  Without his Mama.

I tried again the next week and this time Bean would not even go in the room.  He cried and screamed every time I tried to walk him through the doorway.  The awesome teachers kept trying to help me out but Bean just wanted “Mama.”  He wanted “Mama” and he wanted to go home.

I spoke to another Mom who has a son in the same class.  She told me it took about 5-6 weeks before her son would go in the class without screaming and crying.    YIKES.  That is a long time to go through all this.  She said I just have to keep coming and trying and finally one day it will just click and he will go in.  The Gymboree teachers said the exact same thing.  I get it, I do, but it just seems like a long, frustrating road to take. 

I know ALL MOMS go through this.  Whether it’s the first time you take your child to daycare, a new class, or a new school.  I just never thought of the NEGATIVES of being a stay-at-home-mom.  I think one negative is that I’m creating a child who is super attached to me.  And maybe I’m making it HARDER for him to be socialized and comfortable in a setting where I’m not there.

I guess I’m being a little dramatic.  This too shall pass. Just like EVERY OTHER WORRY I had about my son.  When will he sleep through the night? When will he give up the bottle? When will he walk?  When will he talk? 

When will he go into the world and not look back or want me there?

WOW. 

Maybe I should just hold onto my amazing baby boy a little longer and not worry so much.

Daniel's first day of sports class. The calm before the storm.