Normal

I just hung up the phone with my sister and I can not believe how “normal” she sounds.  She just had a baby three weeks ago!  She also has two other children, ages 5 and 2 ½.  She had to take her middle child, Kate, to a doctor’s appointment and all four of them just got in the SUV and handled it with no problem.  And tomorrow, they are all going to Target so Baby Luke can get his first studio portrait taken.  “Are you sure you are okay?” I asked, “You are going by yourself with all three kids? Are you feeling up to it?”  “YES!” she said, “Everything is great. Everything is back to normal.” 

“Back to normal?” I thought, “Already? She’s a new mom! I know she’s not a mom for the first time, but she’s still a new mom all over again.”

I became a new mom for the first time in August 2006.  Daniel was born and it took me a LONG time to feel “normal.”  Having a baby was literally an out of body experience for me.  Once he was out of my body, I was out of my body too.  I felt like a new person in a really sick and scary way.  But the thing about having a newborn is you don’t have time to really focus on your own crazy feelings.  You are thrown on a treadmill that keeps moving and you can’t stop or you will fall – and maybe not want to get back up.

I remember coming home from the hospital and dealing with the fact that a) I was now a “stay-at-home mom” and b) there is a newborn baby here and “Hello? What do I do now?”

My husband went back to work, my mother-in-law left after a couple of weeks, and then there was me and this BABY.  I was never one of those girls who always loved BABIES.  Sure, I babysat for older kids when I was fifteen and sixteen, but never newborns.  I changed my very first diaper in the hospital the day after Bean was born.  It was 3 AM and he peed on me.  (Not a great start.)

So I just kept walking on the treadmill.   I figured out how to breastfeed.  I changed A LOT more diapers.  I smiled for all the visitors.  I took him to his first doctor’s appointment, his first trip to Starbucks, his first stroller ride around the neighborhood.  I just kept MOVING.

I remember reading Celebrity Baby Blog to find celebrity moms who had delivered babies around the same time I did.  There was Gwen Stefani looking so cute in her track suit and red lipstick pushing her newborn in a bugaboo stroller smiling for the paparazzi.  She looked so “normal!”  So what was wrong with ME?!

I am a total scheduler and list maker so I felt better when I had a routine.  That seemed to work for me.  Bean woke up, he fed, he played on the Baby Einstein fun gym, he pooped, he maybe napped, he fed again, we went for a walk, etc.  I had it all planned out.  I had to keep on moving. And it started to work.  I felt like I was getting back to “normal.”  But what I forgot to do was just stop and ENJOY my son.  I worried about what was next on the baby schedule.  It makes me a little sad now because I spent a really long time just TRYING to feel “normal” again.  So I didn’t just stop and have FUN with him.

Then, when Annabel was born in 2008, I tried really hard to remember those early scary feelings with Daniel.  Of course my hormones and emotions still took over, but I felt “normal” a little sooner.  With my second baby, I was just more mentally and emotionally prepared. I didn’t obsess over EVERY LITTLE THING.  I felt okay leaving Annabel in the swing a little longer.  I didn’t run to her every time she made a small cry from her bassinet.  I didn’t write down every single time she ate and pooped.  (Well, not EVERY single time.) I didn’t feel like I had to entertain her every second with a book or toy. I could exhale and ENJOY her.  It was awesome.

I guess with my sister’s third baby the time to feel “normal” again just came a lot sooner.  And I’m sure it’s different for every mom whether it’s your first or last baby.

Now my son is almost three and my daughter is 15 months old. Everything is back to “normal.”  But it’s a different normal, a new normal. I still get stressed and worried.  I still have schedules. I’m still always moving. But this new normal also includes watching two amazing little people grow.  And I get to be a part of it all.  I’m a lucky girl.