BLAH. That pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.
I don’t want to be overly dramatic and say I’ve been “depressed” because that’s so not my style. But, yeah, there’s been a little of that too. And when I feel that way, I don’t want to write. Or read. Or do much of anything other than the basic daily obligations of carting kids to school and activities and keeping the house in some type of order.
I think it’s the age thing. I’ve been reflecting too much about what I’ve accomplished, what I still WANT to accomplish, and basically what the heck is my purpose. I love being a Mom, but the “Mom” thing becomes an identity that I still wear like an itchy sweater. It warms me and makes me uncomfortable at the same time.
It’s also hard when I see the pop icons of my youth passing away: Michael, Whitney, Swayze, etc. It just reminds me that time moves so quickly. Wasn’t I just dancing around my basement to pop records and watching Dirty Dancing in the front row of the movie theatre? Why does it all feel so close yet so far away at the same time?
It’s the same with the kids. I sometimes get so sad looking at their baby photos. Where did the time go? When we moved to Florida, Daniel was only 6 months old and now he’ll be 6 YEARS old in August. Annabel is finishing preschool this week. I sometimes can’t remember what it was like when they were so immobile and dependent. I forget all the bottles and diaper changes and sleepless nights. Now they have opinions about everything and sometimes they don’t want to cuddle or hold my hand. So if “Mom” is my identity, I definitely feel like some of the heavy lifting part is behind me. Like I graduated from baby college, so what should I do now?
It also sometimes just plain stinks being 40. (I mean 41. Ugh.) I remember when my Dad came to visit us after he had just turned 70. He was happy and healthy but he said, “Getting old sucks.” And that’s the best way for me to describe it too. I KNOW I have a ton of years ahead of me and I KNOW I can still do so many things, but it’s hard not to look over my shoulder and see the things that are behind me too. And to notice the things I didn’t do. Or maybe now I can’t do. There are the physical things that give me aches and pains and then there is the realization that I’ve crossed the finish line on so many milestones and a big part of my joy was the anticipation of all those milestones.
I love this piece that Rebecca wrote about “firsts.” It’s sad to realize that a lot of my firsts are behind me. Graduating from high school and college. My first job. My first apartment. Getting engaged and getting married. Having babies. I told my husband that I remember going to a thousand weddings and then a thousand baby showers. And there’s been none of that lately. We’ve moved on to aging parents and mortgages. But I do have my kids’ “firsts.” And that is so thrilling and exciting and makes me happy. It makes me feel so blessed.. so shouldn’t that be enough?
I think I’m stuck in this place of deeply wanting to just coast it out and be happy with who I am versus wondering what I can still do to make my mark in the world.
It’s called midlife. And, crisis or not, it kinda sucks sometimes.
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