Grateful

I’m been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am.  I was really emotionally invested in the story of little Layla Grace who lost her battle with pediatric cancer last week.  I just can not imagine losing a child.  I can not imagine not watching my beautiful baby girl grow up.  I try to wrap my head around the idea and it just makes me want to sit in the corner of my closet and cry.  I’ve started exercising, so now these thoughts make me want to go outside for a really, really long walk.  That helps.  I guess I feel guilty too.  I feel guilty that I’m sad when I have nothing to be sad about.

I was watching Giuliana & Bill last night on the Style Network.  I really like their chemistry.  Giuliana is the host of E! News with Ryan Seacrest and she’s fun and cute.  Bill Rancic was the first winner of Donald Trump’s Apprentice and he’s now a traveling public speaker.  They are a great match. 

Last night’s episode featured Giuliana & Bill’s struggle with infertility.  They desperately want to start a family and are having troubles conceiving. They have turned to IUI treatments which have been unsuccessful.  They are now considering the pros and cons of IVF.  It’s been an emotional ride for them and I was surprised how honest and open they are about it all on their show.

It’s hard for me to watch because, again, I can’t IMAGINE what it would be like to want a baby so badly and you just can’t have one.  I can’t imagine the pain they must feel to constantly have negative pregnancy tests.  I feel a little guilty for having been so upset that it took four months to conceive Bean.  I think every couple that starts the pregnancy journey fantasizes about the plus symbol and how they will tell their partner the big news.  You never start the journey wondering how long it will take or if you might have some challenges or if you might not be able to get pregnant at all.

I just feel really grateful. 

I wonder sometimes how I got so lucky.  And I hope I can remember that every single day. Even if it sometimes takes a broken hearted mother’s Twitter account or a celebrity reality show to remind me.