Holding On Tight

It’s been a weird couple of weeks in terms of my parenting. I’ve been having these two extremes.   I either lose it completely or I become submissive and give in.  I don’t know if it’s because of the kiddies’ ages right now or my tolerance level is just completely depleted or WHAT?

We have a really gorgeous Pottery Barn Kids kitchen set that we received from “Santa” last Christmas.  It’s really cool looking and it goes well with the rest of the living room and kitchen decor.  Maybe that sounds a little snotty, but I feel if I’m going to put a giant “toy” (basically) in my living space, it needs to be something I like.

The kiddies have been going crazy with that play kitchen lately.  Not pretend cooking and serving but THROWING EVERYTHING.  I don’t mind a mess when it’s associated with fun play, but it really bugs me when it’s just picking up a toy pan or plastic pea pod and chucking it across the floor.  Or banging silver pots and pans agains the wood kitchen until one of the handles actually flies off.

I found myself  SCREAMING (ugh, I know) at them to clean it up and then that changed into asking them, or rather PLEADING with them, to tell my WHY?!  WHY would you do this?!   WHY are you just throwing things?!  You have to just turn around and clean it right up and there is nothing fun about that, so WHY?  WHY?!!  And I just kept talking and yelling and then I had to leave the room because, well, I just didn’t know what to do with all that…yuck.

I always took pride in the fact that I was not a screaming parent.  We have discipline books we follow and methods that generally work.  So the fact that I screamed like that really eats away at me.  I apologized to them afterwards, but it feels like it’s too late to take it back.  I once read that when you scream at your child it takes a way a small piece of their childhood.  I don’t know who said that but, yeah, that stings.

Then there are the other times when I shut down or I bargain.  Today at our Christmas card photo shoot, Annabel had a break down.  And all I could do was sit there and offer to buy her a toy or ice cream or ANYTHING if she would just SIT STILL.  For ONE SECOND.  What do you want?!  I’ll buy you ANYTHING you want!  (Did I really say that?)  Well, it didn’t work and then I had no energy left.  My nerves were shot.  I ordered a Christmas card with the one salvageable photo in the bunch.  Actually that one salvageable photo was really great.  But I didn’t see the silver lining.  I just left feeling defeated.

It’s hard being a parent.  It’s really hard.  There is so much to juggle and organize and anticipate that sometimes I don’t feel prepared or emotionally equipped.  There are days I feel like I’m running around in circles and get nothing done besides sending the kids to time out and cleaning up messes.

But there is so much good.  SO much.  So much laughter. So much adventure.  So much fun.  SO much love.   I just hate that some days my frustration overshadows that.    Because I really do have two of the super coolest kids in the whole world.

This parenting thing.  It really is a roller coaster ride.